Weird Things We've Encountered 2: Aussie Wording

"Weird" is a polite descriptor, here. "Archaic", "outdated", "exclusionary", and "offensive" would probably suit more. This is to do with the legal wording required in a marriage ceremony in Australia, first brought to my attention by a recently-wed coworker. Let me break it down.

In Australia, if you want to be legally married in a non-religious, civil ceremony, this must be done by an authorised celebrant. You can get the legal ceremony done-and-dusted at the Registry ("courthouse" style), or you can pay a celebrant to officiate at your wedding at a venue of your choice. The celebrant ensures all the legal boxes are ticked, including filing the paperwork on your behalf.

One of those legal boxes is to do with a paragraph of words that celebrants have to recite, word-for-word, at a certain point in your wedding. If they don't recite these words, you are not legally married in Australia. Here they are, verbatim:

“I am duly authorised by law to solemnise marriages according to law. Before you are joined in marriage in my presence and in the presence of these witnesses, I am to remind you of the solemn and binding nature of the relationship into which you are now about to enter.

Marriage, according to law in Australia, is the union of a man and a woman to the exclusion of all others, voluntarily entered into for life.”

— Attorney General's Department, Australia

Source: http://www.ag.gov.au/Pages/default.aspx

Knowing me and Blake, have you spotted the bit where we might have a bit of a problem? It's one thing to believe that marriage should be between a man and a woman at an individual level, but it's almost a slap in the face to put it in words that are legally required by the Government. You don't have to share our level of disdain for this, but know that this is a Big Deal to us - marriage equality is something we both strongly believe in, and we are disappointed that Australia is lagging far behind the rest of the developed world on this issue.

On some level I think it also bothers me because I feel guilty hearing those words on my wedding day, knowing that there are friends and strangers out there who can't even get married. And while some folks out there could argue that a wedding is not the right place for a soapbox, then I reckon those folks don't know me - or Blake - very well at all.

Plus, it actually gets worse than that. Religious celebrants (i.e., those who can legally marry you in religious ceremonies rather than civil ones) don't have the same wording requirement.

“Only authorised celebrants who are ministers of religion for a recognised denomination are not required to say these words.”

— Attorney General's Department, Australia

<MASSIVE EYEROLL GOES HERE.>

There are a few ways forward that we can explore , and one of the big things for the wedding was to find a civil celebrant who'll work with us. We can't not have those words spoken, but let's just say the before and after is a bit more flexible.

Are there any other countries in the world where a statement like that is a legal requirement? If you got married in Australia and are just as uncomfortable (or moreso) as we are with it, how did you keep yourself from making a massively unphotogenic eyeroll?

Weird Things We've Encountered 1: Singaporean Scheduling

Those of you who found out pretty early on in the piece re: the engagement also know that the original plan was for us to have the whole shebang in Singapore. This would've meant the tea ceremony and legal wedding ceremony and a small reception dinner taking place overseas, with us having a casual celebratory party here in Perth for all our friends. That was our Plan A.

Unfortunately, as it turns out, Singapore is just not the place to go for a destination wedding. If neither you nor your partner are a Singaporean citizen, one of you must have resided in Singapore for 15 consecutive days immediately before the intended wedding date for your marriage to be legally solemnised there. This doesn't even include the day of your arrival in Singapore!

“The Registrar shall not issue a marriage licence until he has been satisfied by Statutory Declaration made by each of the parties to the proposed marriage that:

a) for couples where at least one party is not a Singapore Citizen or Singapore Permanent Resident, one of the parties to the intended marriage must have been physically present in Singapore for at least 15 days preceding the date of the notice. (Please note that the day of arrival in Singapore is not included.); ”

— Registry of Marriages, Singapore

Source: http://app.rom.gov.sg/reg_info/rom_marriage_rules.asp

Now, I'm absolutely sure there is a logical reason for this. The prevention of Singapore turning into Las Vegas, possibly. But my brain just can't be bothered being open-minded and understanding about this, because it directly interferes with something I wanted! Anyway, I've already had a few hissy fits about it, and it's made a great addition to my long-running comedy series: Reasons Vivienne Finds Singapore Kind of Annoying Sometimes. Its 31st season has just debuted!

Has anyone managed to come up with some legit reasons for this particular policy? Or have you encountered it in other countries? I'd love to know!

The Tea Ceremony

Lots of folks have been asking me about the Chinese Tea Ceremony and its significance, and I've been totally happy to answer any and all questions thus associated. I briefly considered adding a link to some website about this tradition when I had a thought: no two families do this quite the same way. As cultural groups are not internally homogenous, neither is the observation of their traditions. So here's a little blog-style post about how we'll be doing it.

The tea ceremony is a component of a Chinese wedding, but is wholly separate to the actual wedding ceremony itself. That is, the wedding is about uniting the bride and groom, where their relationship and formation of a new family takes centre stage. The tea ceremony is instead about each of their own families.

Traditionally, the ceremony is meant to cover two main things:

1. To honour and show respect to each of the families, particularly those more "senior" to the bride or groom; and
2. To welcome each of the newlyweds into the other's family as a daughter or son, acknowledging the change in the status of their relationships.

I put "senior" in quotes because seniority is a big deal in Chinese culture; certain individuals are to be offered respect first and foremost, dictated by their relationship to you, their age, and their gender. That we are having our ceremony in Singapore is a non-traditional way to acknowledge my grandmother's seniority, being the lone surviving grandparent between our families. That Blake's older sister is part of the ceremony while my younger sister is not is another example of how seniority works.

Depending on what kind of Chinese you are, there are plenty of variations between venues and service order, with the one constant being that, well, yes, there is tea involved. The newlyweds are to pour and serve tea to their families, starting with one side of the family (in order of seniority) and then across to the other side of the family. Which family goes first is a matter of cultural variation; some families serve the bride's family first to signify her departure from her family, while others serve the groom's family first because the groom's family traditionally pays for the wedding.

(Hence the impasse in which we found ourselves, where Blake's culture dictates that the bride's family pays for everything.)

The bride's "departure from her family" bit is to do with old-school Chinese culture, where the wedding ceremony usually starts with the groom coming to the bride's house and "taking" her away to get married. In stark comparison, in most Western weddings the bride is "given away" by her father. Both traditions totally stem from perverse patriarchal origins, but I'm finding that I have to balance smashing the patriarchy with not pissing off my parents or future in-laws.

We've decided to serve my family first and Blake's family second, as a deference to my grandmother's seniority and also the fact that I currently live in Perth.

Another variation is when the tea ceremony occurs. In our family (and the vast majority of Cantonese families, from what I understand), the tea ceremony traditionally takes place after the wedding, usually within a couple of days of the wedding itself; the newlyweds will pay a visit to one family's house and then the other family's house, to pour and serve tea separately. There are some Chinese cultural groups who do the tea ceremony before the wedding (usually the morning of), and some who do it during the wedding, usually just after the couple has been married.

We've decided to do the tea ceremony a week before our Perth (and legal) wedding, serving tea to both families one after the other on the same day at the same place. This hits a lot of notes for me, not least because it is important to me that Blake's family knows and acknowledges where I come from, at least in part. Often I feel that the ease of my adjustment to living to Perth is (unintentionally) taken for granted; I would like them to see my grandmother's house - one of the last remaining bastions of my upbringing that still holds meaning for me over my nomadic life.

That's not how most folks would do things, but eh, we're not most folks. As my parents like to tell me, some traditions are significant and meaningful, some of them are outdated and kind of dumb or done only for tradition's sake. The good news is that we get to choose which traditions fall into which category, because the creation of any new family means there's a new cultural variant on the board, which is kind of really super awesome.

About the Dress

Keep it simple, stupid. That is, in essence, what I've been trying to do in planning the celebrations in both Perth and Singapore. There have been exceptions, usually when something's importance supersedes that priority, sure, but ultimately it's been a brilliant guide.

I called to arrange appointments at a number of bridal places within 2 days of getting engaged, initially very happy to shop for a red or white dress, even to wear a bridesmaid dress as a wedding gown. See, I'd already heard from a few mates that dresses can take anywhere between 4 and 8 months to arrive when ordered. So I figured doing things that way could keep both time and money in my pocket.

I invited a small panel of ladies to join me on the day and checked out a few bridal shops where I knew I was likely to get good service. Fortunately, as a bridesmaid in my mate Courtney's wedding, I'd already been to a few and definitely knew a few places to avoid.

Anyway, by the end of the day, the camp was firmly in the "white" side of the equation, and I'd found dresses well within my price range and well under budget - costing not much more than a bridesmaid dress. There was one that appeared to tick a lot of boxes, including being one of the few that everyone loved. It happened to be one of the last ones I tried on the day.

The problem I had was that I went home skeptical. The bridal shops didn't let us take photos of any of the dresses I tried, which meant it was down to my brain and maybe a few stealth-shots to help make a decision. I slept on it overnight, woke up still skeptical, and by the evening of the next day, I found myself looking at more dresses. Not a promising sign. (That my arthritis flared up in a big way after the dress shopping probably didn't help much.)

Style aside, that dress would not arrive until 4 weeks before the wedding at the earliest; I'm not down with playing things that close to the chest. So that was also adding to a slowly growing list of realisations that I was not on the right track.

I solved this problem by calling up Blake's sister, Jade, at the very last minute and inviting her to return to the first bridal shop where we'd found some possibilities - Pearls Bridal, which was near both of us and easy to access. They squeezed us in at the last minute (I think I gave them 5 minutes' notice?), and I tried on one of the top options from the first time around, which was a bridesmaid dress that could arrive in 2 months. Nope, didn't look as good as it did in my memory. I tried a new wedding dress that caught my eye, and it looked great, but this one cost quite a bit more and also would arrive with very little time to spare before the wedding.

Eventually, it came down to just keeping it simple. The lovely ladies at Pearls had me try on what had to be the simplest wedding dress yet, with no embellishments except what we could add ourselves. Jade and I got excited - this sounded like HEAPS of fun. The best part? The dress I tried on was in the size I would've needed to order.

Done deal - got a discount for it off the rack, and no more worrying about whether I'll get it in time! Sure, I have some extra work to do now in finding a few extra accessories to dress it up a bit, but I'm actually having a lot of fun with that, too. KISS, indeed.

Many thanks to the ladies who came with me on the day; I honestly don't think I would've known what to do or what looked good if it hadn't been for your feedback!

Social Media and Nuptial Expectations

I remember, with tearful clarity, the way Blake proposed:

With Blake nowhere to be seen and the Up montage from the beginning of the movie playing on the TV (where they grow old together), it was cute, sweet, adorable, sentimental, and private - everything I've ever wanted in a proposal. And I remember, with a touch of shame, how my first instinct was to whip out my phone and photograph it.

It was a beautiful moment and I wanted to document it for posterity, but at the same time a little voice in the back of my head went: be present in the moment, you idiot. And once I made the conscious decision to just enjoy the swell of emotion and Blake surprising the crap out of me by popping out of the pantry ("No one ever checks the pantry!" he claims every single time I tell this story), the tears came in earnest. We sat on the couch, where he showed me the box of photos and the little aluminium foil ring.

It was only after I'd said yes that we reset the scene and I took my photo, from precisely the angle I'd first seen it on walking in from the garage. And it's been handy, being able to show everyone how he did it, and immediately get friends expressing frustration that Blake's ruined the curve, etc etc. But I frequently go back to the moment where I was this><close to just whipping out my phone even before acknowledging the emotion.

There's a buzz-phrase that pops up a lot these days, maybe moreso for me given my line of work: "be present in the moment". I don't know that my family ever articulated this to me, but there has always been a sense that moments are meaningful and important and should be enjoyed because once they're gone, they're gone. The opportunity to get them back as pristine and as perfect as before simply doesn't exist, no matter how many photos or videos we take of the experience. And in my mind, every minute you spend behind a camera taking a photo or video is a minute spent missing out on this present moment.

I recall a good friend's wedding - Kris and Trevor - where a request was made by the bride for all smartphones and cameras to be put away for the processional. Some initial reactions were linked to not wanting amateur photos taken of this, but I reckoned (and Kris has since confirmed) it was more that Kris didn't want to walk down the aisle staring at the backs of phones and into the lenses of cameras. Rather, it was so that she could be greeted by smiling faces and people determined to experience her moment with her, present in the now.

(I totally intend to steal this idea, by the by.)

My post about wedding photography from a couple of weeks ago comes to mind, where I didn't see the need for gobs of photos. I still think that, but I also believe that a separate party for the photography is a good idea - so that someone else can document the day while all our guests are simply present with us. I'm not saying guests are doing the wrong thing or being disrespectful, not at all - everyone is different and some people love extra photos, plus I am guilty of having my phone snapping photos throughout a number of weddings, too - I just think that for our wedding, I know what I'd prefer to see when we come down the aisle.

It makes me wonder from where this incessant need to photograph every little moment came. Of course you want memories - I'm not saying never take a photo or video. I know that you want to capture and immortalize as many as you can. But nowadays it seems like the volume is higher, the timing a constant interruption. Everything from photos of the meal you are having with your mates to, well, almost taking a photo of a beautiful engagement story instead of actually staying grounded within it. (Which I did still take, albeit after the moment was over. So I totally get to stay on this high horse a little while longer.)

In the ever-mounting evidence of my encroachment into old age, my explanation for this is: SOCIAL MEDIA. [dramatic music here] The need to share what you are doing with everyone who couldn't be there is lovely, of course, because you want to include the absentees, but at the same time I can't help but feel like it's just a bit, well, over the goddamn top most of the time. Then, a short hop-and-a-skip away, we arrive at the reason I think weddings these days are becoming more demanding, more expensive, more pomp-and-circumstancy than ever before: because now you can totally share your wedding with the world even if you didn't want to!

Back in the day you'd only really see wedding photos when you pop over to someone's house or it gets mailed to you; now it can end up all over the internet for friends and strangers to see! Maybe that's why the expectations these days are about getting 600 professionally done photos, so that if your photo does get shared around to people beyond your immediate social circles, at least you know they're gorgeous photos and that your wedding was awesome and therefore won't be judged cruelly by strangers?

(The irony of this post being on our wedding website is not lost on me.)

I don't know; this is starting to feel like a bit of a rant so I will slow it down here. The message is: if you come to our wedding, please be present with us. Delight in the emotion, take in every word and every interaction. Share the day - or at least the ceremony - with us, in full. Let the photographers do the documenting; we'd much rather see your smiling faces than the backs of your phones.

Vivienne and Blake and Blake and Vivienne

Have you noticed that our names flip back and forth all the time on this website, even between the link and the name of the site?

That is not accidental inconsistency - that is deliberate. Deliberately confusing, perhaps, because sometimes it's alphabetical and sometimes it's just Viv being an egomaniac, but it's a bit of a running joke with us.

Those of you who know us well will also know us as "Blivienne", which I've always loved as a cheesy abbreviation. Blake dislikes it as he reckons it's closer to my name than his even though it totally starts with his name, which I reckon is way more prominent.

This is one of those inane arguments that I can't expect others to really understand, but it's a hallmark of our relationship that I enjoy. There is no "first" or "more important" or "last" in our relationship and I think flipping it back and forth is a delightful way to reflect that, confusing as it may end up being (even I on a few occasions have to stop and think about which name comes first in the URL for this site!). So for those who keep pointing out to me that "I've swapped the order here and here and here", believe me - I know. And that it's confusing is kind of wonderful in a quirky way.

The 1-Month Report Card

As of last Friday (4 days ago), we've been engaged for one month. In that time, here's a short list of what we've managed to pull off so far, in no particular order whatsoever:

• Booked venues for Perth and Singapore
• Designed invites for Perth and Singapore
• Booked a photographer for Perth
• Booked a celebrant for Perth
• Bought Viv's Perth dress
• Chose our wedding colours
• Ordered party favours to give to our guests at the Perth celebration
• Booked the perfect makeup person
• Chose our rings (not yet ordered)

My current tasks are to actually place the order(s) for the rings, look at accessories for my dress, and book flights/accommodation for Singapore. And maybe choose a hair person, but I figure that can wait. As it is, my family has been brilliant at managing the Singapore side for me and I haven't had to worry about a thing on that end.

Blake's jobs are to organise the wedding cake and the DJ, mainly because these are things he wanted that I didn't prioritise but wouldn't mind having.

What's starting to freak me out is that we've reached the point in the planning process where we actually have to let go of some dollars. And by "some" I mean a "buttload", with plenty more buttloads to follow. It's awfully intimidating and I almost want to put it off, even though that doesn't mean much since it's money we'll have to pay eventually anyway.

It dulls the excitement a little bit, but knowing that we get to make these decisions on our own because it's our money is actually a nice feeling. I reckon I just have to keep that in mind as the guilt re: THE GUEST LIST starts to set in.

On Photographic Memories

Let me preface this post with a quick disclaimer: I do not judge you for what you did or will choose for your wedding. I firmly believe that every individual and couple has their own priorities and preferences; mine being different to theirs does not make them silly or unimportant or not-as-awesome as my own. Just because it's not *for* me doesn't make it bad. As people have been reminding me: it's our day, we will do what we like, and I fully respect everyone else's right to that same sentiment without judgement.

We have been meeting with professional wedding photographers because that's apparently the way of things these days. You can technically pay as little or as much as you like for the service, though there are cautions everywhere about getting what you pay for, and to be wary if someone charges a price that's "too good to be true". It could mean their photos suck! Or their service sucks! Or their professionalism is shit! Any number of warnings.

I have found myself completely bamboozled - discombobulated, even - by what the expectations are around photos. I've been told that they are the only record of the day, and so they have to be important and done right. I disagree with this personally because, well, the fact that I have a husband serves as a pretty good record of the day. Our marriage certificate is also a darn good reminder.

I'm not saying no photos. Of course I want photos, so as to show people who couldn't make it - or weren't there, like future kids - how it all happened. But I guess I just can't buy into the hype that 600 photos is somehow necessary. 600 photos! A real number that was quoted to me! Who is going to have the attention span to look at all of them?!

I almost feel like the more photos I have, the less meaning is derived from each of them. The fewer I have, the more important and meaningful those few photos have to me - they are somehow more precious because it captures the day in a simple way. Brevity, you know?

I grew up in a pragmatic family who believed that luxury should have a good strong link to sentiment and quality. There must be meaning behind the money you are spending, and you choose where and how things are meaningful. My parents got married in a very simple ceremony, with only ONE (1) wedding photo of the day - not even professionally taken - that has lasted them through over 35 years of marriage thus far. I have never wanted or needed to know more than that as their child, and they have never wanted or needed more than that photo.

This is to say nothing of all the alleged components of a wedding day shoot. We want something simple, compressed, and meaningful. In my mind I envisaged this being first-look photos, ceremony photos, a brief stint with the family and a (small) bridal party, and our reception. But then I get photographers asking me about engagement photos, pre-wedding photos, getting-ready photos, right-after-getting-ready photos, cake photos, first-dance photos, venue photos, boys photos, girls photos. Then my eyes start to glaze over and I realise that this particular photographer doesn't really GET us.

I get that those things are important to others, and that's awesome! But that's also none of my business! I just feel like if I've had a conversation with our photographer about what we're looking for and they're still bringing up things I haven't mentioned (because they don't exist in Viv's Brainspace Reserved for Important and Meaningful Things), then maybe this person isn't right for me?

In and amongst all this, of course, is what Blake wants. He has told me that he'd like some good photos and knows what kind of style he likes, but somehow I feel we share a similar thought that maybe we don't need six hundred of them. And I'm not down for paying for six hundred photos when it's not important to me to have quite that many.

It's not that I'm not willing to spend the money, nor am I going to walk away just because they want to give me *too much*; I'm just not in the habit of letting go of that amount without making sure all my boxes are ticked. The biggest thing for me is that they get "us" and what we're about. Then comes how comfortable they make me feel. Then comes their photography style. Then comes the price and what we get for that price. The tricky thing is that it's not just me they have to please; it's Blake, too (though, bless the poor fella, I honestly think he really just wants me to be happy, if only so I don't have a meltdown that he has to clean up).

Of course, I'm aware that we've only just started talking to photographers, and maybe all this means is that I haven't found the right one for us yet. We are looking at a fair number of people of varying price ranges and referral sources, and I'm confident I'll find someone we will just connect to and would actually consider dropping some $TEXAS on for their services.