Oh *THERE* You Are, Breaking Point!

I was wondering what had been keeping you! I'm super glad you've finally found your way into my brain, but only because I'd been wondering when exactly you were going to decide to turn up.

For much of the past few months, things have been relatively calm. All my hiccups thus far, as I've pointed out before, have been minor and easily remedied. That's not to say I've just encountered a big, day-ruining hiccup, though. It's just that the minor hiccups had been slowing rolling into each other, picking up speed as they barreled downhill and I was just sitting there, minding my own business, hanging out on the piedmont, when FOOMF! The avalanche hit.

It all started when we went on vacation to Melbourne to go to a gaming convention. That was fantastic, before you ask - we had a lot of fun checking out the newest AAA titles, indie games, and tabletop games. And while I'd brought my iPad with me, I didn't really get very much wedding planning done as I'd figured I needed a break from that, too.

Then, on the Sunday, I overheard Blake tell a mate of ours that our wedding was "next month".

HOLY SHIT, WHAT?

The gears frantically clicked into place and I realised that, indeed, it was now November. NOVEMBER. THE MONTH BEFORE DECEMBER.

Suddenly, I no longer had "all the time in the world" to solve any issues that popped up. Suddenly, anything I might need ordered in from overseas may not actually get here in time for the wedding! Suddenly, people will start saying "whoa, that's soon!" and "I'm sorry that your other supplier cancelled on you, but we're fully booked for the rest of the year!" Suddenly, time was running out.

It's not even about things actually going wrong - it's suddenly worrying about things that might go wrong because what if I can't solve them?!

There have been a few other stressors rearing their ugly heads - mostly stuff to do with work and my physical health. I'm leaving that deliberately vague because this isn't the place to go into detail on either of these things, but I will say that I'm starting to get overwhelmed by things that don't normally overwhelm (or even whelm) me.

As an example, this evening I was poking around the internet looking for a bridal clutch purse. I then remembered that my grandmother gave me a small clutch years ago that was always a bit too shiny for my tastes so I never used it, but it'd be perfect for the wedding! I poked around in the house for a bit and couldn't find it and immediately became worried that I might have thrown it out or donated it in the last Great Wardrobe Purge. I promptly burst into tears, even as Blake helped me look.

The good news is, I did end up finding the clutch. It was one of those moments where the ever-sentimental past-Vivienne was looking out for future-Vivienne, even though present-Vivienne keeps telling herself she needs to get rid of anything she doesn't use!

The relief I felt when I found the clutch was intense, and it made me realise that the breaking point cometh. It was the smallest damned thing - I won't even have it on me until after the Ceremony! - and I was in tears over it?! I don't think the phrase "bridal clutch" was even in my vernacular when I first started planning the wedding!

Anyway, what prompted me to make this post was an admission that I need to maintain perspective. I've been really good at reminding myself that all I really need is for Blake to say yes and for the celebrant to do her legal bit, and the day will be a success! Everything else is extra. I repeat it like a mantra. But sometimes I think I say it so often that it loses meaning somehow, and these days the reminder only slows me down when I accompany it with a deeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep breath.

The Tea Ceremony

Lots of folks have been asking me about the Chinese Tea Ceremony and its significance, and I've been totally happy to answer any and all questions thus associated. I briefly considered adding a link to some website about this tradition when I had a thought: no two families do this quite the same way. As cultural groups are not internally homogenous, neither is the observation of their traditions. So here's a little blog-style post about how we'll be doing it.

The tea ceremony is a component of a Chinese wedding, but is wholly separate to the actual wedding ceremony itself. That is, the wedding is about uniting the bride and groom, where their relationship and formation of a new family takes centre stage. The tea ceremony is instead about each of their own families.

Traditionally, the ceremony is meant to cover two main things:

1. To honour and show respect to each of the families, particularly those more "senior" to the bride or groom; and
2. To welcome each of the newlyweds into the other's family as a daughter or son, acknowledging the change in the status of their relationships.

I put "senior" in quotes because seniority is a big deal in Chinese culture; certain individuals are to be offered respect first and foremost, dictated by their relationship to you, their age, and their gender. That we are having our ceremony in Singapore is a non-traditional way to acknowledge my grandmother's seniority, being the lone surviving grandparent between our families. That Blake's older sister is part of the ceremony while my younger sister is not is another example of how seniority works.

Depending on what kind of Chinese you are, there are plenty of variations between venues and service order, with the one constant being that, well, yes, there is tea involved. The newlyweds are to pour and serve tea to their families, starting with one side of the family (in order of seniority) and then across to the other side of the family. Which family goes first is a matter of cultural variation; some families serve the bride's family first to signify her departure from her family, while others serve the groom's family first because the groom's family traditionally pays for the wedding.

(Hence the impasse in which we found ourselves, where Blake's culture dictates that the bride's family pays for everything.)

The bride's "departure from her family" bit is to do with old-school Chinese culture, where the wedding ceremony usually starts with the groom coming to the bride's house and "taking" her away to get married. In stark comparison, in most Western weddings the bride is "given away" by her father. Both traditions totally stem from perverse patriarchal origins, but I'm finding that I have to balance smashing the patriarchy with not pissing off my parents or future in-laws.

We've decided to serve my family first and Blake's family second, as a deference to my grandmother's seniority and also the fact that I currently live in Perth.

Another variation is when the tea ceremony occurs. In our family (and the vast majority of Cantonese families, from what I understand), the tea ceremony traditionally takes place after the wedding, usually within a couple of days of the wedding itself; the newlyweds will pay a visit to one family's house and then the other family's house, to pour and serve tea separately. There are some Chinese cultural groups who do the tea ceremony before the wedding (usually the morning of), and some who do it during the wedding, usually just after the couple has been married.

We've decided to do the tea ceremony a week before our Perth (and legal) wedding, serving tea to both families one after the other on the same day at the same place. This hits a lot of notes for me, not least because it is important to me that Blake's family knows and acknowledges where I come from, at least in part. Often I feel that the ease of my adjustment to living to Perth is (unintentionally) taken for granted; I would like them to see my grandmother's house - one of the last remaining bastions of my upbringing that still holds meaning for me over my nomadic life.

That's not how most folks would do things, but eh, we're not most folks. As my parents like to tell me, some traditions are significant and meaningful, some of them are outdated and kind of dumb or done only for tradition's sake. The good news is that we get to choose which traditions fall into which category, because the creation of any new family means there's a new cultural variant on the board, which is kind of really super awesome.