I returned to work just over a week ago. I was very cautious with myself in the morning leading up to my first shift back in 3 weeks, and not just because I returned 3 weeks to the day of the miscarriage. It was hard to know how I was going to feel when I woke up in the morning, how I’d feel as the morning went on, and how it would feel to step into the office for my late shift at around lunchtime.

I was exceedingly prepared for things to go wrong. 8 days before my return to work, I also opted to casually drop into the office. It would be a short, low-pressure visit, the entire purpose of which was to confront the drive alone back to the office, that first step back into the space, and seeing my colleagues. Maybe this was why my first day back at work properly went really well - I didn’t have to face all of that plus actually do the job, because I’d already done them. Or maybe it’s because I was coming back to a very supportive team who know me extremely well. Probably both.

So, overall, the healing process seems to be ticking along nicely. Most days I feel pretty settled, and I can laugh and joke like I’ve always done. I take these as good signs. It’s not uncommon for me to have a string of “good” days and then hit this very painful wall where the grief feels fresh and new again, knocking me sideways for a little bit. This is normal, and it’s been nice to hear from others who have been through a similar experience that it was how things went for them, too. I do believe part of why those “bad” days are decreasing in their frequency is because when they do come, I don’t try to fight them off or minimise them. I acknowledge them as love and as part of the healing process, which means feeling what I’m feeling to its fullest extent. I am, after all, going to be fine no matter how awful everything feels at the time.

It has also helped to be very gentle and patient with myself. I don’t generally notice baby ads on TV (usually because I’m on my phone during ad breaks), but if I do notice, I acknowledge that I’ve noticed them for a reason and just change the channel. I don’t force myself to watch or sit through them, because there’s a clear reason why I clocked it in the first place. It’s kinda like my peripheral attention’s way of keeping me safe. Plus, TV ads are totally avoidable triggers. I face plenty of unavoidable ones in the course of a given day, so why add more that aren’t actually necessary for me to confront?

It’s similar with other things, like seeing someone pushing the same type of pram that I was originally planning on getting for our baby. About 90% of the time, I don’t even really notice. 5% of the time, I notice, but it doesn’t bother me. And that leftover 5% of the time? I notice, and maybe I feel that little tug on my heart. In these situations, I try not to berate myself and just divert my attention away from the pram, remembering that I’m just protecting myself. And, because I’m me, I focus on the fact that this only happens 5% of the time.

I have more or less avoided seeing or interacting with friends whom I know share the same original due date that I had. I don’t actually know if it will be painful to see them, but it seems logical that it could be and, more importantly, I don’t really want to find out for sure just yet. I will talk to these friends again eventually, but only when I’m ready. I make no apologies for how long that might take, either, and I just trust that they understand.