Yesterday and today were legitimately good days. I think we’ve reached the point where we have heard everything we are going to hear, and it’s up to us to hang onto the things that have been helpful. And we have heard many helpful things, as we have been so fortunate to have such an amazing support system around us. I still plan for us to attend a support group next month, but apart from that I feel like somehow things are more settled.

That doesn’t mean I don’t still cry, or that some simple things don’t still take more effort than they used to. But it doesn’t feel overwhelming anymore. When the tears come, they don’t last long. They aren’t as painful as they were, and in my head I know that it’s coming from a place of love and acceptance of what has happened.

I’m able to spend more and more time by myself. Last week I had more visitors, which was awesome because it was good to have folks to talk to and also engage in distracting activities. This week I’ve deliberately dropped that off to practice being alone, which feels manageable and a bit like progress.

I also faced one of my bigger worries: returning to work. It wasn’t just being in the office again (though that was a huge part of it, too) that was the challenge. It was the drive in and back by myself. It was seeing most of my coworkers for the first time since everything happened. I worried also about having taken so much time off so suddenly and then just rocking up. I planned to just pop in and pick up a few things, but it didn’t mean that there wasn’t the potential for awkwardness.

And I have to say, it actually felt weirdly great to be there.

The hugs were a bit longer than usual, but it did feel like sliding back into a comfortable space. My colleagues know me well and we are a great, mutually supportive team. I do highly recommend going through life’s bullshit while on a team of passionate and skilled mental health clinicians. Folks just already know what to say and (perhaps more importantly) what not to say.

So yeah, it felt like a milestone. Not the biggest one and not the type of milestone I was previously looking forward to, but I got shit done. I definitely feel better about returning to work next week and I reckon I’m beginning to come to terms with what our new normal looks like now. One step at a time, one day at a time.